.tragic death on a rainy day.

2004-03-30T21:06:00.000+08:00

Field of Innocence

2004-03-26T21:35:00.000+08:00

I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what i know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
I want to go back to believing in everything

the good in goodbyes..

2004-03-15T18:17:00.000+08:00

i think i need a very long 'vacation' from so many things.almost everything actually.i need some time off to really think about stuffs.about my life.about my dreams.about my ambition.about my future.about my needs.about me.this is the perfect moment and i have to do it while i can.a few days ago i really thought i was ready and all set to go out there and face the world but i was wrong.i don't have the courage to get there yet.am still pretty confused.i do not know if the change is for my whole entire life or will it get stucked somewhere along the journey.i think this is what i want in life.i think i've found what i've been looking for but another part of me is full of doubts.i dont know if this is the end to all those shit i created for the past years.i gotta find the strength,the strength to carry with me along my journey.the strength that will help me face my ugly days.the strength that's gonna bring me somewhere i've been dreaming of.i need to think all over again.i need to do some self-searching.i want to be sure of myself.i need to be stronger.i hope when im done with it i've found the person in me.i hope when im back i already have the courage.i hope when im back i know that the change is forever.i hope i'll cry less when somebody/something hurt me in the future.i hope i'll learn to smile more for everybody. i hope when im back i'm much better.much much better.

Goodbye.

Politics anyone?

2004-03-15T16:50:00.000+08:00

It's six more days to Elections 2004.i know most of us dont give a big fat rat ass about elections,national and regional politics,international politics and relations,yada yada yada.There's also quite a number of us who only care about what's goin on in some other countries namely US or Britain(as usual,basically on Bush and his fucked up ass..),but shamely they dont have a single clue about the locals.When asked,tons of us(the younger generation that is) think politics is too boring,politics is dirty and politics doesnt have anythin to do with their future.Some adults around me say they vote because everybody else votes and they vote what the majority votes.talking about comfort zone here.Some dont even bother to register.What is wrong with these people?Dont they know living in a democracy country,they actually have the right to vote?if only they realize how lucky they are to have such right.I seriously think students need some form of exposure regarding politics in general and of course,national politics as well.Perhaps some effective programmes shall be carried out to create awareness about political issues or something.Personally,i think politics is not dirty but it's a form of clever manipulation.Those who do not know about the art of manipulating might take and consider is as 'dirty' instead.Politics IS boring when u do not know the importance of it and how it can change one's life.Politics IS indeed very much related to our life.

So dont go shoutin 'anti-government' or 'anti-establishment' while holding some ugly-looking banners for no apparent reason.We do need a government and establishments to ensure everything works the way it's suppose to and of course,towards modernization and a better living without throwing away the classical values from the ancient days.However,it's a whole lotta different story when the power is totally misused and abused.

i shall say patriarchy DOES bite in quite a few ways.bleh.too bad am not old enough to vote.haha.

listenin to:pennywise-divine intervention

2004-03-14T03:47:00.000+08:00

A - Age: 18

B - Band listening to right now: foo fighters

C - Career future: a lawyer perhaps?heh.

D - Dad's name: adham wan chik

E - Easiest person to talk to: absolutely lav and..sara?

F - Favorite song: currently..sparta's vacant skies

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: neither

H - Hometown: georgetown,penang

I - Instruments: drums

J - Job: dun have one

K - Kids: haha.i dunno.kids hate me!

L - Longest car ride ever: 7-8 hours i think..to kuantan.

M - Mom's name: faudziah bakar

N - No. of people you slept with: errm..*counts*

P - Phobia[s]: definitely gamophobia

Q - Quote: err..everything happens for a reason?yea,pretty lame but that keeps me goin for the past 18 years.

R - Reason to smile: i usually smile for no apparent reason.heh.dun we all do that?k,maybe not.

S - Song you sang last: luscious jackson's why do i lie

T - Time you wake up: 1-ish p.m

U - Unknown fact about me: erm..that i have this 'thing' for 'roaches?yea,really.

V - Vegetable you hate: gimme any veges EXCEPT cucumbers.eww.

W - Worst habit: tons!

X - X-rays you've had: never had one.yet.

Y - Yummy food: am not a fussy bitch when it comes to food.nethin will do.

Z - Zodiac sign: aquarius

..yet another life history.

2004-03-13T13:50:00.000+08:00

i just woke up about 20 minutes ago and there's nobody at home.it's blardy quiet in here.farah's at tuition i think and dad is still at work i guess.mum and my bro are nowhere to be found.i remember i used to wake up to this kind of surroundin and feelings on saturdays.i was still in primary at that time.it's pretty much the same feelin am having now and it feels so awkward because the memories are all comin back to me now..

i dreamt about somethin stupid last nite.i dun know..at least i think it was.i was at this gig or somethin and i was drunk and extremely intoxicated.now here comes the silly part..i dun know why but in my dream i was kissin every single person around me and that includes some girls..annndd i came to this conclusion that i like kissin girls better than guys.haha.rite.speakin of gigs i just remembered that apan's band will be performin or somethin at paul's place next saturday if am not mistaken.i think i wanna go.gosh,i havent been to a single gig since 2 years ago!in form 3 i would go to gigs like almost every week.thats how i started mixin with the wrong crowd and the good girl in me was startin to turn sour(so they say) and at the end of the year i was fuckin shocked with that piece of news sayin my mum's gonna quit her job and stay at home lookin after us.i went like..WHAAAT??!it took me quite a while to get that into my system.she said she decided to quit cause my 2-yr-old bro needed her full attention or some shit but hell,we had a maid back then.i know it's because of me not my bro but she didnt wanna admit that.since then she was always there watchin my every single move and i hated the fact that she was all over me wantin to control my entire life.*sigh*well,it's been 2 years now and am glad things have finally changed for the better.

heh.what an entry.

..it's fuckin hot today and i need my shower now.chowsin.

listenin to:sugarcoma-bed of dolls

my oh my..

2004-03-10T17:48:00.000+08:00

that girl came up to this girl and started telling her how good lookin that particular guy is.that was the first time she saw the guy and she doesnt know who this girl is either but she went on with her talking anyway.boy was she surprised when she found out that this girl is his dear girlfriend.heh.

hahaha.silly willy.

let's get fat.

2004-03-10T02:35:00.000+08:00

gosh..time flies so damn fast.i've been slackin around doin nothin,i repeat..NOTHING useful and productive for almost 3 and a half months already..annnddd i have another 2 and a half months to go.i think im gonna wait and see whether i'll manage to make it into the local university or not first.well i do hope and pray i'll make it since THAT will make my parents happy and proud of me for once.i've never done anything good to make them feel proud having me as their daughter all this while.im never good at anything.i tend to do things half way and quit when i sense difficulties comin my way.anyways,if i manage to get into the local U i'd be the most excited and jumpy creature around cause that means i do not have to spend so much time in this house and hopefully,this fucking island anymore.wat a relief.God knows how fucking much i hate this place and it's been 1 year and 4 months already.haih.owh and i really really really[heh] hope i'll get to take that course that i've been wantin to study for yeeaarrrss.God..have some mercy for me this time.please,please,pleassseee..alrite i shall stop.

owh and i dun think am goin to find a job n start working my ass off like some of my friends.am too lazy.i'd rather sleep at home or watch some great shows on the telly or simply lepak with my other so-called-friends.i bet it'll be so hard for me to get used to the new workin surrounding.and i hateee talking to strangers,having to fake that smileeey face.ugh.its just so hard for me.besides,my bills are all settled and i think i wont be receivin any killin phonebills in 2 more months to come.haha.

listenin to:nightwish-wishmaster

excuse me.

2004-03-08T15:01:00.000+08:00

1. NAME?
- prozacass

2. DO YOU THINK YOU'RE NORMAL?
-i hope so.ppl try too hard to be 'abnormal' these days.they think its cool but i think it sux.

3. DO PEOPLE FIND YOU STRANGE?
-some ppl around me do.

4. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?
- i do.dun u?

5. DO YOU SIN A LOT?
-d'oh.

6. DO YOU BACKSTAB?
-am sooo against dat so y would i wanna do dat to other ppl?

7. ARE YOU A GOOD FRIEND?
- i think i am IF physical contact doesnt count.LOL.

8. ARE YOU IN LOVE?
- yes,i am.

9. ARE YOU YOUNG?
-u think 18 is young?some ppl think im too mature for my age.dun think so..am still pretty clueless bout thingsss.

10.EVER BEEN A LEADER OF SOMETHING?
-does bein a class monitress or a prefect counts?if yes,then i have but dat was years ago.

11.EVER KILLED A LIVING CREATURE?
- i've killed tons of cockcroaches.i hafta say its an enjoyable experience cos u get to run so bloody fast.hah.

12.LAST ODD THING DONE?
-i think i havent been doin nethin odd lately.at least nobody's around to tell me which n which dat am doin is odd.

13.DO YOU WEAR MAKE-UP ?
-yes,occasionally.

14.DO YOU REBEL ?
- honestly,am pretty sick of dat.when its too much..then u'll start to think how tirin that can be.seems fruitless most of the time.

15.EVER STARTED A FIRE?
- dun think so.

16.DO YOU THINK YOU'RE EVIL?
-i can be pretty evil when my anger strikes.

17.DO YOU LIKE LYING?
- do i like?well,i lie only when i need to.

18.DO YOU REGRET?
- YES.

19.DO YOU HAVE A BESTFRIEND?
- i have a few close friends..

20.DO PEOPLE HATE YOU?
-yes,some.u can tell by the look in their eyes.but who gives a flyin fuck neway.i do wat i want n if u dun like it be
gone!pretty simple.

21.DO YOU HATE PEOPLE?
- i try not to.

22.CAN YOU KILL SOMEBODY?
- ONLY if i haf a good reason for that.hah.

23.DO YOU CUT YOURSELF?
- i used to,a lot..as in no,not anymore.but hafta admit the pleasure is undeniably satisfyin when u know thats sumthin u NEED to do.

24.EVER TASTED BLOOD?
- yes,hate it.

25.DO YOU CARE WHAT OTHERS MAY THINK OF YOU?
-most of the time,no.

26.EVER DONE ANYTHING OCCULT?
-not really.

27.ARE YOU GOTHIC?
- never claim urself as so n so.even if u know that ur so n so,just keep it to urself.AND,wearin all black doesnt mean ur goth.also,u dun hafta wear black to bcome one.nuff said.

28.DO YOU SMOKE?
-nope.

29.CONSUME DRUGS?
- as in pop pills for fun?nah.

30.WHAT DO YOU WEAR?
-wat a question.next!

31.YOUR SKIN COLOR?
- am not not dark,not that fair either.some say its yellow!LOL.

32.DO YOU LIKE THE SUN?
-not really.

33.HAVE YOU LOST SOMEONE YOU LOVE?
- yes.

34.HOW DOES GRIEF FEEL?
-i dun know.cant seem to put it into words.

35.YOUR ROLE MODEL?
- do i even haf one?erm.

36.YOUR HEART DESIRES TO BE WITH WHOM ?
- at this very moment,my precious.

37.YOUR LISTENING TO..?
- yeah yeah yeahs' modern romance

38.DO U HATE YOURSELF?
- currently am learnin to love meself better.dun ask y.

39.DID THIS QUIZ MAKE SENSE?
- so-so.

40.PARTING WORDS..
-.. lalala.

cash cash cash...hmm.

2004-03-06T16:47:00.000+08:00

alrite.i've been so busy for the past few days with the applications to uni/colleges,goin back n forth to the bank to get things done and also the post office to settle my phonebills,sendin and fetchin my sis and mum from here-and-there.

yesterday i was runnin out of solution so i had to rush to the mall.if not,i'd be so blind as i wont be able to wear my lenses and i dont have any new glasses at the moment.i cant even see a single thing with the old glasses.am too lazy to drag my arse for another eye test with the optician.dat can wait.hah.so after grabbin a bottle of solution,i was walkin around the mall and there was this F1 exhibition goin on at the concourse area.not like i care neway.heh...annndd suddenly i felt like spendin some money.heh.i did some shoppin as its been ages since i last shopped but then i realized that the stupid mega sale has not even started yet.mega sale starts today.nevermind..the spree will be continued as soon as i get the money in these comin few days.haha.today is not a good day to hit the mall unless u're some ultimate shopaholic.besides..think about the heat. its extra fuckin sunny today.

this mornin i went to this open day at KDU.i saw a few girls from my former skool.and nope,i dun think am goin to KDU unless my dad changes his mind to 'waste' a huge amount of money for my tertiary education.hah.dream on!

..and i just found out that this old friend of mine,firdaus went for the NS thing.was so surprised when i called and he told me that he's currently in kelantan.but he did great in his spm!cis!heh.cant wait to see him.he's been a great friend and i still cant accept the fact that i used to hate him wholeheartedly 2 or 3 years ago.sorry,dude!miahahahah.

listenin to:fatboy slim-the rockafeller skank

2004-03-03T21:01:00.000+08:00

I am not a child now
I can take care of myself
i musn't let them down now
i mustn't let them see me cry
i'm fine i'm fine.

i'm too tired to listen
i'm too old to believe all these childish stories
there is no such thing as faith & trust & pixie dust.
i try but it's so hard to believe
i try but i can't see what you see..
i try,i try,i try.

my whole world is changing
i don't know where to turn
i can't leave you wating
but i can't stay and watch the city burn..watch it burn.
cause I'll try but it's so hard to believe
i'll try but i can't see what you see
I'll try i'll try..i'll try & try to understand the distance in between
the love i feel the things i fear and every single dream.

I can finally see it..
Now i have to believe all those precious stories.
All the world is made of faith & trust & pixie dust.
So i'll try cause i finally believe.
i'll try cause i can see what you see.
i'll try I'll try i will try..
i'll try..to fly.

decisions,decisions.

2004-03-01T00:42:00.000+08:00

ok here's the update.

well i got me result yesterday.managed to get a few As.yay me since i was expectin something worse.frankly,am quite satisfied with my result although i know i could've have done much,MUCH better.like what i said before,2003 wasn't a good year for me.i was very distracted mentally due to the drastic changes in my life.nemind..what's done is done.however am kinda upset about my history paper.i didn't get an A for the paper and i need an A for that dear paper.then the possibility for me of bein accepted to take the course that i've been wantin to study for years is much higher.pray for me,will ya?heh.

owh congrats to all my friends for the outstandin results includin my ex-classmates back in sggs.i just wanna say..hell with bein a science stream student and so what if the school is among the best in the country?!!miahahahahahha.

today i drove the whole family to kulim.we went to the club for lunch.it's been ages since we last did that.we had a BIG lunch.yummy.then we had to rush straight to gran's place to celebrate my cousin's birthday,zharif haikal who turned 1 last friday.i love pinchin his cheeks and he's soooo cute.normally i dun like kids that much since they'd go crying their ass off when they see me(sad case isn't it?i dun even know why!) but this is exceptional.heh.well basically the whole day was spent there.a pretty relaxin day for me.

am sleepy.g'nite.

listenin to:travis-flowers in the window

to run or not to run?

2004-02-27T22:12:00.000+08:00

i really hate drivin when my mum is next to me!she's a very impatient lady.uuugh!im a pretty impatient freak myself but i guess i inherited that from her.hah.not to mention her stubbornness as well.blah.

i just got my haircut after erm..*counts*3 months?yea,exactly 3 months.anddd..its MUCH shorter than before.this is the shortest i've ever had so far.i guess the time is here for me to face the fact that i look better with short hair.hahaha.i've always wanted to grow my hair but it just doesn't suit me.i used to keep a very long hair when i was 5 or 6 but then my mum brought me to the salon to get my hair chopped by the time i was about to enter standard 1.God knows how sad i was.everybody used to envy my long,straight and silky hair.hah.as if la.since then i didnt bother to grow my hair again until i turned 16.after about 1 an a half year of havin long hair,last year i decided to chop em off again due to my laziness to 'baby' my long,black but not-so-nice-coz-i-dont-bother-goin-for-treatments hair.suprisingly,not 1 or 2 but quite a few people started blabberin bout me lookin much younger than before.rite.that means i look old with long hair?!blardee faggots.they should've told me earlier.well..at least they were bein honest weren't they?haih.alrite,enuff bout my hair history.

my result is comin out tomoro.yes,TOMORROW.a week ago i was so excited and eager for it but am not anymore.im all terrified picturin myself cryin after a few papers were over a few months ago.well..lets just hope for the best.damn..it sounds SO fake.

listenin to:radiohead-creep

take this and shove it off.

2004-02-25T16:06:00.000+08:00

never expect other people to respect u when u yourself are actin like a bitch towards others.never expect other people to understand u when all u're doin is keep your mouth shut.never expect others to like u when u tend to hate everybody around u.never expect others to listen to u when u know u're not makin any sense.do not expect others to trust u when u yourself dun even know what it takes to gain some trust.look around u and think.be realistic for once.

i really need to get rid of these feelings that im havin at this very moment.i can be too straightforward when i get angry.i can be a little too heartless when im mad.my anger doesnt come purposely out of nowhere.u get the picture dun u?im in desperate need to talk to somebody.where art thou?

listenin to:slipknot-wait and bleed

life IS a journey,not a destination.

2004-02-21T12:40:00.000+08:00

had to wake up early this morn since i had to see the doc for some blood test.haih.my body has been actin n feelin so funny lately.havent been doin that fine physically but mentally,i guess am alrite.heh.great.am crappin.

back from the clinic i received a letter sent by nuha.rite now shes already in a different time zone and atmosphere.i feel so bad since i didnt get to get my arse in kl to see her for one last time because of all those draggy[?] drivin lessons and the bloody jpj test.owh and she sent me this 'lil thingie she made for me.its like a friendship band.she made it usin all of my favourite colors.isnt that cool?heh.i love this girl to bits!

alrite i hafta get this outta my system.

been thinkin..sumtimes when things tend to go the way we want em to be..haf u ever wondered when its goin to end?for most of us,our happiness tend to disappear in the blink of an eye.we hafta struggle doin the searchin and lookin for sumthin new,sumthin else in order to keep us all jumpy and giggly all the time while hopin that that new discovery is meant to be there for a long period just like how we always see and hear in fairytales.when things go wrong,the same thing is to be repeated.the searchin and lookin.its like a cycle.and we often wonder when its goin to end.if only we knew..

on another note,i do think friends DO come and go.well,basically its because erm..people change?guess so.it hurts so badly when things that u used to do with your best friend dun seem to matter for her anymore.the things u used to share have become some ultimate secret.both tend to speak less since both are afraid that they might spill things that they're not suppose to.both tend to keep their distance away from each other because they're worried that the other person might sense somethin that shes not suppose to know.its like they dun know one another at all.its like they were never best friends.and its just so sad seeing how things are fallin apart.

listenin to:dido-life for rent

what goes around comes around.

2004-02-20T17:19:00.000+08:00

hmm..what a good day.nah nothin special happened but i just feel...good.hah.

i went for vcd & dvd huntin just now and am definitely gonna haf a splendid marathon this weekend.yay for me!

do u know when u treat people nicely they will do the same thing in return?do u know when u are good towards people they will do the same thing in return?do u know when u start bein friendly people will do the same thing in return?sadly..i've forgotten all about that and i've just realized that once again.gotta keep that in mind 24/7.heh.

i was told that i'll get to drive the crv soon.miahahaha!not like its gonna make any difference but just to see how does it feel like to drive a crv.haha.((jakun tahap atok kambing la lu!)i just hope im not gonna crash into nethin n leaves my dad all angry and furious at me after that.

am off.wheres the remote?

listenin to:no doubt-bathwater

shes just another jane doe.fcuk.

2004-02-19T02:40:00.000+08:00

both this girl and i were chattin about stuffs..basically the ups and downs in life when suddenly she went a little too far and started whining about her love life and spilled everythin to me.not like i mind but tellin the whole entire story about your life to someone u barely know is not a smart thing to do isnt it?but i guess sometimes its easier talkin to a stranger because strangers are a little less judgemental compared to those who know u.at least thats what i think.nevermind that.

isnt it funny how its like for girls when they fall in love?the way they tend to ditch their girlfriends and start to spend more and more time with their newly found love.doesnt matter if she misses the weekly meetin at the starbucks after spending 3 solid hours of shoppin just to bitch about the latest gossips with the girlfriends.heh.typical.however it is the total opposite for guys.his nightly lepak hour with his buddies remains.the futsal game remains as how its always planned.the jammin session remains as how its like every friday.a pretty normal thing after months of bein together somehow u find it hard for a guy to sacrifice and make the time for the girl anymore like how its always been for the first 2 months of bein together,gettin all mushy n such.nobody is to blame here.girls tend to feel a bit too fuckin insecure at times,they crave for attention and loooovee bein pampered..not all the time but thats their nature.guys should be more sensitive about how she feels and such.its all about understandin and givin each other some space.gotta have faith n trust.hah.crap!

..its only 3 days and i've been actin like God-knows-what already!can survive la konon..ceh.i miss him.i miss him.do u hear me?i miss him.hah.

enuff!am off to bed.nitezzz.

listenin to:box car racer-there is

i hate the way i dun hate u.

2004-02-18T17:02:00.000+08:00

my life is so routine.darn i need a change so badly.i tend to get bored of things very easily.i know its not good in a way and that is why i need changes every now and then.however im against big changes..im talkin about the small and tiny ones here.the ones that dun transform me and my life drastically.erm..enuff about changes for today.

i find myself constantly pissed at this particular somebody.i dun appreciate it when somebody tend to budge in my life little by little,wantin to know every little detail about every single aspect of my life.i just cant see the point of doin so.and the worse thing is..that person does not have the guts to come,talk and ask me.instead that person goes to another person and showers the other party with all sorta crap.what does (s)he think (s)he's doin?(s)he just wont give up this time.heh.some people would do anythin even if it takes all the time and effort in the world.*sigh*

ahah..the bad,bad mukhri is currently in kl.he'll be back in uk this may.i've lost faith in us,dude!its totally gone.miahahaha.he's so gonna get it from me this time.heh.

listenin to:cradle of filth-a gothic romance

do you feel the same?

2004-02-14T13:08:00.000+08:00

sometimes we want to keep holdin on to that somethin that we've been havin for a while without realizin that that somethin is slippin away from us.maybe if we do realize it sometimes we want to continue believin that that somethin is somehow 'destined' to be with us for a long,long time.we'll find ways to keep it and make it stay by our side without wantin to face the fact that it's time to let that somethin go.the hesitancy.

its funny how our minds work to control our feelings..we tend to get a bit too insecure over little things.probably by lettin that special somethin go things will work for the better.it might not happen right away but usually it takes time.it might take weeks,months or even years.we'll be surprised to know how we are blessed with a new hope,a whole lotta new discovery,how everythin is much better compared to the previous one then.by that time we know that the loss we had earlier didnt take everythin away from us but it promised a brand new moment in our life..

screw valentine's.hah.

listenin to:jack off jill-love song

..she's my bittersweet symphony.

2004-02-13T19:41:00.000+08:00

i hate feelin whatever that im feelin right now.they're all mixed up and a little fucked up in their own respective ways.so this is how it feels like for someone who's about to be left alone by the close ones.not 1 or 2..quite a number in fact.

most of my close friends will be leaving for the NS thing next week.it's hard because i depend a lot on these people.they are my source of happiness and contentment.heh.it's just 3 months actually not like they'll be gone for years but still..nevermind.funny thing is how i wish i was chosen too.doesnt matter if none of them is going to the same state and the exact place as i am..but at least i'll get to get out of this house and occupy myself with something useful and healthy for once.hee.alrite,it's too late.now not just those people will be gone..this dear friend of mine,nuha is leaving for switzerland on some student xchange thingy as well.not for 3 months but for 11 months and that's close to one year.bleh.gonna miss talkin to this zany friend of mine.haha.and another girl,haizum is moving to another state.this ex-classmate of mine is the most carefree and worryless[?] girl i've ever known.she told me she'll be gone for good.heh.riggght.

darn..gonna miss u guys loadsss!..it's alrite.i'll survive somehow,someway.

listenin to:queens of the stone age-no one knows

"guilty as charged"

2004-02-11T14:22:00.000+08:00

alrite i stole this from nuha's page.hey nuha!*waves at her*hah.

1. Copy this whole list.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false.

01. When I was younger I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love psychodelic mushrooms
04. I love sleeping
05. I have loads of books
06. I once slept in a bathroom
07. I love playing video games
08. I adore marijuana
09. I watch porn movies
10. I watch them with my father
11. I like sharks
12. I love spiders, I think they're adorable, especially the ones with bright colours on their backs
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair
14. I like George Bush
15. I am cool
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a jacuzzi and a Porsche
18. I have a lot to learn
19. I carry my knife everywhere with myself
20. I'm can be really really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret [and im not telling!]
23. I hate snow
25. Punk rock rules
26. I hate Bill Gates!
27. I love Chinese food
28. I would hate to be famous
29. I am not a morning person
30. I wear glasses
31. I don't need glasses, except sunglasses
32. I have potential
33. I'm pure Japanese
34. My legs are two different sizes
35. I have a twin
36. I wear a padded bra sometimes
37. I can ramble on about absolutely nothing
38. I'm left-handed
39. I hate llamas, but I'm one of them
40. I don't like horror movies
41. I suck at climbing, but I love it anyway
42. People hate me usually
43. I love pop music
44. I hardly ever go to bed before midnight
45. I hate parking fines
46. I know national anthem of my country by heart
47. I know more than two languages
48. I can spend too much time on the computer
49. I often want to throw out the computer in a window
50. I live on a ground floor
51. I don't like chocolate
52. I'd like to be more original
53. I've lied
54. Cocks are my favorite birds HAHAHA
55. I want to conquer the world
56. I wonder what happens when you die
57. I've read all books about Harry Potter
58. I love my dog!
59. I love to exercise
60. I hate chemistry with a passion
61. I love to write
62. I like changes
63. I hate going to class
64. I am afraid to die
65. I hate dish washing
66. My hair is long, brown, and incredibly curly
67. My nails are nine inch long
68. My favorite color is black
69. I like to sleep on the floor (sometimes)
70. I am hopeless at cooking
71. I sucked my thumb when I was little
72. I should be doing something else rather than doing this
73. I am online a lot
74. I hate government
75. I don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend
76. I'm too nice for my own good
77. I love to read, I read as much as I can
78. I don't trust newspapers
79. I like debating
80. I live in a wagon
81. I clean my room once a month
82. I'm scared of american fast food
83. I have a third eye
84. I love Mozambique
85. I don't trust any religion
86. I used to play with barbies only because all the other girls were doing it
87. I wanted to be a super hero when I was little
88. I like listening to wind chimes
89. I'm very disorganized
90. My hair is long and straight (not very long, and not fully straight)
91. I earn a lot
92. I don't like spicy food (not much anyway)
93. I keep a diary
94. I can't do cartwheels
95. I can be very lazy
96. I'm sarcastic
97. I think my hair can be annoying
98. I could be sensitive
99. I love being "ab-normal"
100. My left eye is violet and my right eye is light blue

listenin to:10 things i hate about you OST

she's no angel.

2004-02-10T01:03:00.000+08:00

hey am feelin better.been so occupied with so many things.been thinkin as well.i hope im feelin much stronger deep inside.hah.

alrite i ripped this off from phan shean's page.yippe yay.

15 Years Ago, I:

1. i was 3 years old?heh.
2. havent moved to kl,was stayin with my grandparents.
3. loved dolls and soft toys so very much

10 Years Ago, I:

1. i was 'mentally abused' by my class teacher.bleh.
2.was surrounded with superb friends back in my old neighbourhood.that was fun!

5 Years Ago, I:

1. i started my secondary education in smkb.
2. had my 1st major crush on this weird chinese prefect in school.LOL.hilarious!
3. i was this close with liyana.heh.

3 Years Ago, I:

1. i was obsessed with drums and signed up for some drums lessons.
2. was 'minglin' with the wrong crowd and first started smokin and such.
3. met elotz and soon we became good friends.

1 Year Ago, I:

1. moved back to georgetown and turned myself into an anti-social freak.sad case.
2. had my first major breakdown and started doin a whole lotsa shit.
3. kept 2 journals for that year itself.

Yesterday, I:

1. was at gran's house
2. went to the clinic because of this backache problem im havin.again.
3. was mad at my cousin.she and her stupid mouth!

Today, I:

1. went for my drivin lesson at 8 in the mornin.
2. saw my ex-classmate back in sggs,vish.
3. had a great late nite talk with him.

Tomorrow, I:

1. am gonna wake up late!yay.
2. am gonna finish the book im still readin

listenin to:pulp-do u remember the first time

..and she too,wants to be found.

2004-01-30T01:58:00.000+08:00

i dun know why am i feelin what i am feelin now.the whole thing is so confusing.i wish i could be like them..happy and carefree always.me..my happiness seems to disappear in the blink of an eye.no matter what happens they know how to react and what should be done.i am so lost.i might appear to be one of the strongest and the one with self-confidence all the time but its all fake.im the weakest person i've ever known.i depend too much on so many people and so many things.i might appear like im able to get whatever that i want but the truth is i have nothin..nothing to hold on to,nothing meaningful to be proud of.for the past few years i've been tryin too hard to run away from my real self.i've been a nobody since forever and im still waiting for that moment where i can finally be sumbody.i want to be important in their lives,at least i want to feel important.i need some spiritual guidance.i really do need faith in myself.

i think i should disappear for a while and put some thoughts on every single thing.i need to get over things.i want to get over all the false hopes and broken promises.

u dont wanna miss me.keep it that way.

listenin to:evanescence-i believe in you

splash.and she's no longer into it.

2004-01-28T08:47:00.000+08:00

mornin!its 8-ish and i dun know what am i doin here now.the boredom(waa!) is killin me.i hafta get my arse in skool by 10 to get some stuffs done.bleh.

owh and the new car is here and i havent got my license yet.so what.i know i'll be drivin around town soon.heh.i cant stand bein at home every single day doin nothin anymore.aaarggh!i hate it when im broke.i hate it when im stuck at home with nothingness.heh.alrite..crap,crap.

..things arent doin that fine lately.i wish i could just disappear for a while until things get better.hmm..

i think i'll just shut up and get lost.chowsin.

listenin to:cake-never there

one plus one equals to seven?hmm.

2004-01-27T09:51:00.000+08:00

alrite..im still awake.i was already on my bed at 4 a.m. but i couldnt put myself to sleep although i was feelin extremely tired and half dead.i was too busy thinkin about what happened a few hours before that.arrrghhh!it was so stupid.the whole thing was very stupid.i feel so dumb.i was actin like a dumbo freak!argh!..but i guess im okay now.im glad its over.

i had a very unusual mornin actually.after takin my bath,yada yada yada i went downstairs and i had a mug,a giant mug of hot tea.yummy.talked to my sis for a while..then she left for school.i dunno what has got into me that i decided to do some cleanin at 7-ish in the morning after that.weird.totally.i knowww.i just had my breakfast.nasi lemak to be exact.darn i havent been eatin nasi lemak since 7 months ago!wow.considering the fact that it used to be my favourite in the mornings.bleh.

nooow im feelin sleepy.haih.gotta crash my bed in a few more minutes.

neways peeps..thanx a lot for takin the initiative to call,sms,tag and wish me on my bday.i do appreciate that very much.u guys are the best!heh.THANX A BUNCH!!

Your song of 2003 is Three Days Grace's "I hate Everything About You". You've got a bit of rage in there, a bit of regret, and quite a bit of pissed-off-ness. Enemies beware... or hopefully you'll move on and have a better year without them.

This test taken @ TheAeroZone.com, where you can take more tests than any human should. :D

listenin to:oag-knocked silly

skip this.

2004-01-26T03:33:00.000+08:00

alrite..im officially 18.miahaha!it feels nothin really.im just a year older.heh.

neways,for the past 18 years..its great that i have experienced lots n looootsa things.each and every single of it has taught me something new and made me a different person i am today.geez..i wonder how different could that be eh?heh.i was flippin through my old photo albums just now and a few birthday cards given to me a few years back(yes,they're still well-kept in my precious drawer.heh.) and i couldnt help but reminisce about those times while lookin at the pictures of me with my friends and some of my relatives too.i was wonderin where have this and that person gone missin while lookin at those pictures of certain people that i havent seen in years.and i was thinkin about the time when i got myself in trouble for messin up with the people i call parents,some fucked up teachers in 3 different fucked up schools,some hopeless people i called 'friends' and of course a few bastards and bitches.heh.excuse my language please.and again i was thinkin about the past one year.it was a horrible nightmare.my 17 yr-old was wasted with stupid thoughts and all sorta shit.lets not get into it now and ruin this very special day.haha.yea right.actually this is just like any other day.it doesnt matter to anybody,let alone me myself.thats exactly how i feel every single year.bleh.

..and now look at me..im 18,jobless,am turnin into an ultimate lazy arse and im feelin totally bored with my everyday life now that i wish i could just get started with college and keep myself busy as soon as possible.dad was babblin a couple of days ago about my unhealthy lifestyle im havin now and insisted i help mum with the housework.thats impossible.the fact that i hate talkin to her makes it all impossible.we never agree on anything.and because of that too i do not watch tv whenever im at home.she and of course,her one-n-only-precious son conquer the remote control all the time,24/7 that is.plus,i do not know what is wrong with the 2nd tv in this house that when i try switchin on the stupid box one funny sound comes out and the screen goes blank.blah.alrite thats enough.i know this thing between me and her has got to change somehow,someway.its been this way since ages ago.*sigh*hopefully with this new me erm..i mean the new half-inspired me..i'd be able to communicate with her just like any other normal daughthers communicate with their mothers.hah.yes this is so abnormal and i dun like it that much although i used to erm, not care about it at all not so long ago.ok stop..i shouldnt be blabberin about her here on this very day.gotta behave..behave.haha.since when!

alrite peeps,am sleepy.haf a nice day!

listenin to:liz phair-why cant i?

2004-01-23T23:26:00.000+08:00

everybody is so fuckin busy.everybody is so far away.and im all alone.its so lonely.fuckin lonely.and i need to talk to you.all i wanna do is talk to YOU.do u hear me?forget it.

listenin to:fiona apple-leavin on a jet plane

..and she got struck by lightning.

2004-01-20T14:18:00.000+08:00

i dun know if i should be doin what i am doin now.sumtimes i feel blessed to be able to experience it and at times i feel so lost while wonderin why am i doin it without knowin the purpose of doin so.i dun know whether this is what i've been wantin all this while or i simply like the idea of havin it.sometimes i feel like cryin my heart out when im havin one of those days where i cant seem to think straight and decide on what i should be doin next.sometimes i wish i could just run away from everybody so i could be on my own without havin to return to my so-called-home ever again and havin to face the same familiar faces every single day.sometimes i wonder if i could really trust them and all the promises they make in order to make me stop whinin like a bitch.sometimes i feel so guilty doin something 'legal' that i wish i never was given such conscience since my day one.sometimes i wish i did not have to depend(mentally that is) on somebody else so much that i feel betrayed when that person is so far away from me...sometimes i wish i could make everybody around me happy and stop bein a cynical freak for once.

listenin to:my chemical romance-demolition lovers

two tickets and a weird-lookin seat.

2004-01-19T12:35:00.000+08:00

my weekend went superb.heh.Edy was in penang for 2 days.so as promised,on saturday we met at prangin.he wanted to hunt for some cheap dvds and prangin has TONS of those so we decided to go there.we were supposed to catch a movie after that but we did not.instead,we shamelessly slacked around that horrible place makin a complete fool out of ourselves.it was crazy but it's all good.he's a wacky wacked[?] wacko!haha.

as for yesterday,we decided to crash Gurney.good thing it wasnt too crowded when we reached there.owh and the 7th floor is now wide open..and is still growin bigger.heh.we watched cheaper by the dozen.it was fun,fun,fun.i had my favourite 1901's new york chicken too.yay.its been ages!damn i sure sound like a moron rite now.whatever.then slacked around a lil bit more,snappin photos and such..yada,yada,yada..we then headed back home.he was leavin later that nite.cis,y so cepat..!heh.neways,i had a hella great time.doink,doink.

listenin to:ash-lost in you

'..i hate myself and i wanna die.'

2004-01-17T11:43:00.000+08:00

1. i think im better off dead.

2. i think im better off dead.

3. ..and I THINK IM BETTER OFF DEAD.

somebody kill me.just take the gun and shoot me.xxx

STUPID CUNT!!!

..a bouquet of white daisies and a knife.

2004-01-14T16:11:00.000+08:00

i feel so numb.im startin to feel like how i used to.its all comin back.help me.

Stand, look in my hand
Talk with this line
Thats not the answer
Cry and now I know
Look in the sky
I search an answer

So free, free to be
I'm not another liar
I just want to be myself..myself.

And now the beat inside of me
Is a sort of a cold breeze and I've
never any feeling inside around me...
I bring my body
Carry it into another world
I know I live... but like a stone im falling down

Damned, looking into the sky
I can feel this rain
Right now its falling on me
Fly, I just want to fly
Life is all mine
Someday I cry alone,
But I know I'm not the only one
I see that another day is gone,gone
I don't wanna die...
Please be here when I arrive, dont die... please.

a brand new hope.

2004-01-13T03:51:00.000+08:00

i find myself doin what i feel like doin a lot these days.i find myself doin what i wanna do and not what they want me to do.yes,without feelin guilty like how its always been.i am happy and contented this way and let me be this way for as long as i want to.i think i deserve to feel this way just like everybody else out there and you jealous scumbags should stay out of my way.heh.nah,nobody in particular.just felt like typin it for the sake of..typin it.ahah.

somebody told me about the slight changes here n there i had in my life.now thats a good sign eh?i wouldnt want to go back to the same old phase feelin and facing the same things all over again like how they were a year ago.i think what i went through last year might affect some tiny part of my life in the future soon.lets just hope it wont turn out so bad.neways, just like the sayin goes let bygones be bygones.

hey,today is an old friend's birthday.liyana,in case u're readin this..well,HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!have a superb year ahead.

3 more days to friday!yay.cant wait for 'the visit'.nite peeps!

listenin to:the donnas-out of my mind

me answer,u read.

2004-01-12T20:33:00.000+08:00

01. Your Name?
-hana

02. Does your name has a meaning?
-yes in Arabic my fullname means 'the light of happiness'.heh.rite.

03. Where are you now?
-at home,in front of the pc.

04. Fave color?
-dark purple,black,grey

05. Fave food?
-anythin will do..1901's new york chicken is one of em.

06. Fave drink?
-plain water

07. Fave snack?
-am not a big fan of snacks.

08. Fave musician?
-theres tons!..u sure u want me to list all of 'em?

09. Fave song?
-currently..Yeah yeah yeahs' modern romance

10. Fave sport?
-i dun like sports.yes,that answers everythin.

11. Fave subject?
-history.it IS interestin.

12. Coke or Pepsi?
-plain water.

13. Red meat or white meat?
-doesnt matter

14. Pizza or Donuts?
-definitely pizza

15. Laptop or Desktop?
-desktop

16. Movies or Computers?
-i'd prefer movies

17. Shakespeare or Harry Potter?
-shakespeare..dun u know i despise harry potter so,SO badly?!miahaha..:p

18. Cold Weather or Hot Weather?
-cold,cold,cold.

22. Contacts or Glasses?
-it depends.my left eye is sensitive to contacts tho.sheah.

23. Are u a huggy person?
-i think so.heh.

24. Would u consider urself as a negative or positive thinker?
-most of the time..negative.cant help it.

25. Do u like cartoons?
-yes,i like nice cartoons.i hate ugly cartoons like erm..Dexter!

26. R u planning on learning something soon?
-im plannin to continue with my drums lessons,other than that..erm no idea.

27. If you look out of the closest window 2 u...?
-i see the backside of this ugly and ancient-lookin house owned by an old chinese couple.

28. R u wearing short pants or long pants right now?
-short pants

29. Ever been on stage?
-yeah back in my school years.

30. Most embarassing fact?
-erm..its too embarassin!!

31. What's ur dream car?
-am still tryin to figure that out.heh.

32. Childhood hero?
-cant remember.

33. Ever watched a concert?
-yes,a few.mostly back in kl.

34. Phone or Online?
-definitely phone.

35. Believe in Santa?
-erm..no?

36. Would u rather be Rich or Smart?
-smart!

37. Allergic to anything?
-numbers?bleh.

38. Fave day of the week?
-fridays

39. Do u have any enemies?
-nah,i dun like 1 or 2 but i dun consider them as my enemies.im good.heh.

40. Do u have boyfriend/girlfriend?
-yes i do.do u?

41. In crush with someone?
-him,him and him.

42. Do u believe in love in 1st sight?
-nah not at all.

43. Any friends outside your origin country?
-yups.

44. Ur greatest fear?
-losing faith in my ownself.

45. Believe in Adam & Eve?
-i do.dun u?

46. The last thing u cried over?
-its been ages since i last cried.i cant remember.

47. How old do u wanna be when u get married?
-the earliest would be erm..early 30's?it all depends.

47. Where do u wanna spend ur honeymoon?
-a place where nobody would recognize me.somewhere quiet.

48. Do u wanna have kids?
-the thought of having my own kids makes me a gamophobic.i dun know.

49. What do u want ur wedding color 2 be?
-most probably..white?yes,typical..just like everybody else.

50. Pro- Abortion?
-like karen says..'its killin.'

51. Do u mind gay people?
-i dun mind at all.they have the rights to choose their own lives.

52. Do u sing in d shower?
- i rarely unless if im in my super-happy mood.

54. Digital or Manual Camera?
-digital is much easier dun u think?

55. Movie that makes u cry? …
-theres a few..

56.Last movie u watch?
-the haunted mansion.i knowww.

57. Last Childish Movie u watch?
-childish?darn i cant think of any.

58. Movies you've watched the most (incidentally or accidentally)?
-my sassy girl.its korean.. and amelie.

59. Fave movie?
-theres a few..girl,amelie,my sassy girl,run lola run,girl interrupted.

60. Visual Art or Music?
-both

61. Weirdest stuff u've ever eaten?
-weirdest?erm..

62. Do you have pets?
-not anymore.shaq is dead.

63 Who cleans your room?
-me.i do not want anybody else to.

64. Most useful software ever invented?
-none?

65. Ever met an inventor?
-inventor?lets see.erm dun think so.

66. Believe in zodiac (any kinds)?
-when i feel like it.

67. Zeus (Hercules's Dad)
-i couldnt care less

68. Xmas or Xin Cia?
-christ-mas.

69. Ever met a president?
-not yet.

70. Ever met someone in the government?
-yups...hishamuddin-theyouth and sports minister and khalid yunus or some sort back in f3 at the parliament.

71. Natural/ Artificial?
-natural

72. CD/ USB mass storage?
-both?

73. How much is the RAM capacity of the comp ur using right now?
-dunno

74. Do u know how to change the oil of a car?
-i was taught on how to do so last week.

75. Do u know how rockets work?
-i think so but i've forgotten all about it.

76. Are you a shy-kind of person?
-nah not really.

77. Fave animal?
-purple cats.

78. Fave Plant?
-i fancy white daisies.

79. Don't cheat! Do u know what is the temperature where water is at its densest point?
-what?

80. Would u consider urself 2 be a techno-nerd or shopaholic-funky person?
-none

81. Starbucks or CoffeeBean&TeaLeaves?
-definitely starbucks!yum.

82. Ice cream or Sherbet?
-none.

83. Fixing Electronics or Cooking?
-again...none.

84. BSB or *N sync?
-none.

85. Christina or Britney?
-NONE.

86. Fave season?
-autumn.its sooo beautiful.

87. Do u write songs/poems?
-yes,poems.

88. Do u believe in the belief that '8' is lucky?
-nope

89. Disney or Warner Bros.?
-disney is better

90. What do u think of World War I?
-i like WW2 better than the 1st one.

91. Are u a neat freak?
-no way.

92. The dryest joke u ever heard?
-theres a few..too dry to even remember bout em.

93. Do u dance?
-i suck at it

94. Ever do slow-dance w/ a person with the opposite sex?
-nah not yet.i cant dance.

95. Which part of ur body do u think is d most attractive?
-why dun YOU tell me.

96. McDonalds or KFC?
-definitely mcD

97. Orange Juice or Apple Juice?
-orange cos its so orange-y

98. Do u prefer skim, 1%, 2%, or whole milk?
-im not a fan of milk

99. Who sent this to u?
-i ripped it off from karen's LJ

100. Who do u think will be the 1st to respond to this?
-you?

101. Who do u think wont answer although u really want them 2?
-i dunno n i dun care.

102. Any message?
-why do YOU even bother readin this?thanx neway.heh.

listenin to:cokelat-langit biru

fresh,fresh!

2004-01-10T16:40:00.000+08:00

yea im still workin on this new look.i got tired with the previous one.more stuffs to be added soon.the usual ones ler.bleh.im sleepy.zzz..

90% accurate

2004-01-10T01:44:00.000+08:00

The Rebel

For jobs, you need something that allows you express your life and yourself, like artist,musician, or actor. You could also be a counsellor because you can relate to other kids with issues. You want someone who is like you,youre not into the whole opposites attract deal. You want someone who is very musical and artistic, but also funny. Your dream men are Bender from the Breakfast Club, Ferris Beuler,and David Bowie from Labyrinth. Your dream girls are Faith from Buffy, Jen from Dawsons Creek,and Carrie. You most likely are a Sagitarrius, Gemini or Cancer. You most likely have a goth, punk,or emo edge to you. You are street smart and tough. You mostly enjoy shows that are really super goofy and crude like Jackass and Punkd.You like horror stuff. Music is extremely super important to you.Your best friends would be other Rebels, Creators,or Dreamers. Your love interests would be the same. You would not like Social Butterflies,Stars, or Kings.

The Super Ultimate Personality Quiz: Who are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

untitled.

2004-01-08T23:15:00.000+08:00

my days have been so unproductive.heh.all i've been doin is sleep,eat,watch dvd,online,on the phone,sleep,eat,watch dvd,online,on the phone,sleep,eat,.. they repeat on and on again every single day.*sigh*

the theory lessons i had to attend in order to get a licence were so boring that i wished i was at home cookin instead although thats the last thing i wanna do for the past 17 years.not so long ago i did blog bout not wantin to get a driving licence until i see the point of doin so.well..i changed my mind.heh.i'll be doin my practical after this and lets hope i wont flunk any and be done with everythin as soon as possible.then only i can find a job and pay my unsettled bills.

i notice that a lot of my old friends have started college and are now busy with assignments,projects,yada yada yada..all i can say is happy studyin peeps!!heh.u guys are finally in college!yay.

listenin to:rancid-time bomb

..because you see somethin in me that others don't.

2004-01-06T04:20:00.000+08:00

i gotta learn how to stop whinin like a bitch.i was goin through my old journal a few hours ago and i finally realize how much i've been complainin while feelin extremely shitty in every page of the precious book.besides that i was laughin my ass off readin about numerous funny incidents that were recorded in the journal too.heh.first day in a new school,first relationship,first kiss,first best friend in high school,first drum lesson,first major breakdown,..those were the days.if i was given a chance to go back into one of those moments i'd choose not to.the first experience is always the best.each and every single of them taught me something new.they made me who i am today.

on another matter,i was wonderin why do people these days try waaay too hard to be different.i can see some are doing it to impress certain people around them and some think its somehow 'trendy' to be extraordinary.i do think we should be true to ourselves and not be bothered with what others have to say.thats what make us special and unique in our very own way.

..im scared of losin faith in myself.walk with me and i'll stay by your side.

listenin to:the cardigans-beautiful one

out of boredom..

2004-01-03T03:21:00.000+08:00

What attracts people to you?
brought to you by Quizilla

a brand new start..

2004-01-02T20:51:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year peepos!heh.

i didnt have the time to update this page for the past few days.been so busy with so many stuffs.

i had a good time hangin out with ariff,zack and frens at gurney on new year's eve.the place was hella crowded and of course,noisy.luckily we get to sit at the darkest corner of starbucks.so it was quite comfortable doin the sittin,talkin and laughin until bout 12 there.at 12 sharp fireworks could be seen everywhere.by 2 i was already home,all sober and exhausted n dozed off right after that.heh.as usual,no new year resolutions.i can never stick to them.im sure of that.neways..lets hope 2004 will bring me more joy and happiness compared to last year.

damn im so tired.i need more and more sleep.i havent been sleepin enuff lately although i do deserve to sleep for about 8 hours every single day for another month.probably next month i wont be able to laze around at home that much anymore since i'll be gettin a job soon.im officially broke and i wonder how will i survive this month.bleh.

listenin to:lacuna coil-fallin

as i lay dying..

2003-12-29T14:53:00.000+08:00

its been a while since i last updated this page.after doin a lot of thinkin,i think its finally clear.i think i know what i want and i should really stick to em for as long as possible.hmm..neways,lotsa things have happened lately.some are great enough to make me feel contented for the rest of my life.some are bad enough to make all you people call me a bloody emotional whore.heh.its not so bad but it sure does hurt deep,deep inside.talkin bout perfect timing.stupid things still happen when u're havin a real good time heh?a real good time that u've been waitin for your whole entire life and is slightly ruined by some tiny-but-real-stupid shit.it blows me off completely.psst,if u extremely hate me for who i am or for something i've done..do come to me and spill everythin right in front of me.im cool with it.i cant stand people bitchin behind my back to my mum,my uncle,my sis,my boyfriend,my best fren or whoever happily tellin them how much u fuckin hate me.who gives a damn neway?all i can say is,..grow up.

neways..the past few days,i've been away doin my stuffs.been spendin time thinkin,writin,readin,yackin on the phone,daydreamin,sleepin,watchin tv,tryin to patch things back with those around me,eatin and erm..i guess thats all.havent been goin out that much after comin back from kl.the trip to kl was too short but i had fun meetin some of my friends.theres still tons of em that i've been wantin to meet but didnt have the time to do so.i think i'll be back in kl this feb.

my body aches a little.for the first time after the exam i went to the gym.heh.its been months!i'll hafta hit the gym regularly after this.oh yea the club has the best food ever!yummy.owh its in kulim in case u're wonderin.

hell,im bored.i think im gonna watch telly for a while.i guess im gettin hooked to it all over again.heh.this is not a good sign.

before that,feel free to visit farah's paper heart.she's so gifted bcos shes definitely superb when it comes to writin.one of my poems has been submitted there too.heh.click here.

listenin to:luna sea-i for you

the sonofabitch isnt a bitch after all.

2003-12-15T23:19:00.000+08:00

sometimes in life we have to take the blame for something we did not do.it really is unfair but hell,nothing is fair in this world.deep inside it's extremely difficult and it hurts terribly.nobody wants to try to understand although they already knew it is something they should do especially when that something starts because of them.u've tried so hard to stay away from the problem but things tend to get much more complicated later on.how do you find the way to get out of this mess?theres no way out when the other party tend to intricate the whole situation and leaves you feeling miserable.

..and it really is funny too when people pretend to be happy when they're actually not.they fake smiles when they know they're actually crying inside.sometimes the whole faking process will help a little but most of the time i strongly believe it will not.the problem with our society these days is hypocrisy.they say what others want to hear and the question is WHY?

yes,it really is confusing but why started it in the first place?bear in mind,i did not ask for this but now that im trapped im afraid theres nothing much i can do anymore.theres no way back.

when a gamophobic gets bitchy..

2003-12-14T03:41:00.000+08:00

i havent been updatin since a few days ago.im currently in kl and its been a few days too.im stayin at my pet sis'.today i spent my time chillin around kl and i did drop by at the berjaya times square as well.it was crowded and i dun like that place that much.neways..i got meself a new track jacket,absolution by muse(yipeeee!) and 2 patches.

i had a great time yesterday.after lepakin at elotz' place we took a cab to ttdi and decided to crash nuha's place.'aizat came and together we made our way to one utama.darn..ou is much bigger now!nice nice.heh.then edy and apan came followed by aizat's frens,am and i-cant-remember-whats-his-name.heh.met lotssssa people.we had lunch at kenny rogers.the food was erm..terrible.lol.lotsa funny shit happened actually.neways..thank u guys,y'all r the best!

i'll upload the pixxies later.gotta run.chowsin!

listenin to:muse-fallin away with you

sun shines through the rain

2003-12-09T21:16:00.000+08:00

hey!im feelin much better,much much better.i was feelin extremely down last nite.must be the thinkin i had the whole day.neways,i went out for a movie with aswad today.he's cool.we watched the haunted mansion.it was so-so,not up to my expectation.yea i hafta say its a typical walt disney movie.then we walked around huntin for books but i didnt buy any.i guess once u get started buyin sumthin then u'll end up wantin to buy more n more isnt it.last week i bought a book,yesterday i bought another one at mph.its paulo coelho's Veronika Decides to Die.its highly recommended by everyone.today i finally found Boys Dont Cry dvd.been lookin for it everywhere in pnang.heh.finally!then i bought 2 patches of muse n this cool symbol from attitude.another thing is,im not chosen for the national service thingy.big yay for me!ignore wat i wrote in the previous entry.i wasnt in the right mind.i bet we all go through that shitty phase in our life every now n then dun we?heh.

im goin to kl this week.im not sure when exactly.i know i told some of u it'll be either on monday or tuesday but i think i wanna wait for another one or two more days.i havent even bought the ticket yet.

oh yea ,farah and elotz have just changed their url.go show em some love will u?

listenin to:hot hot heat-bandages

put on the thinkin cap..

2003-12-09T03:43:00.000+08:00

hmm..been doin a lot of thinkin today.i mean A LOT.if only life was much simpler then i dun hafta feel this way.im all confused over so many things rite now and i dun like it at all.im really sick of bein the only one to object every single thing they say.im tired of bein the one who has to argue so much in order to get what i want.im all exhausted.i dun want to be the one who has to plan everythin n end up bein upset when things dun turn out the way i have planned them.sumtimes i wonder why do i even bother givin a damn bout every single thing?i really need to find sumthin to keep me busy n really stick to it for as long as possible.probably the idea of goin to military camp for some national service shit isnt a bad one after all.of course i dun see the point of doin so but its a good way to keep things off my mind for a while n bein far away from everybody.

what are we here for on this earth actually?i dun even know why am i here today.what a waste.

im extremely twisted.i need some fresh air.

listenin to:switchblade symphony-pain

i wish upon stars..and the moon.

2003-12-08T14:06:00.000+08:00

The trip to phuket was fun.we went to a place called safari island n went for an elephant ride.heh.it was fuckin scary,we could fall down any minute especially when the elephant was makin its way down the slippery hill.we also went to a few places where they have lots n lotsa pearls and gemstones too.that was the most boring part actually.we also went on tour to a few small islands in phuket.the best one was an island called phi phi island.heh.we had lunch there n the food were all nice.for those of u who love beaches n enjoy snorkellin so much dis is a must-visit island.theres also another island called maya bay where they went shootin for the film,the beach not so long ago starrin leonardo dicaprio.neways the nightlife in phuket was fantastic.they haf superb live bands performin every single night.not to mention great restaurants n pubs as well.do u know how much a simple glass of teh tarik costs there?8 bucks.dats not so bad.ask me bout the roti canai now.20 fuckin bucks!bleh.id rather starve myself to death.on the way back here we stopped at hatyai for 2 days.theres nothin much in hatyai actually but its a great place to shop.u can actually find good stuff at great prices there.

i missed distortion 2003 n the japan attack gig in kl last saturday.i heard the japan one was a complete blast.cool thing.

now does anybody want to go to the japan attack gig with me in penang this wednesday?

listenin to:the bangles-tear off your own head

typical day of mine

2003-12-03T04:00:00.000+08:00

i spent the whole day finishin the book i bought a few days ago,Nice.the storyline was simple yet interestin.i took a nap after that and woke up to the beep sound on my phone at around 11p.m. two hours later here i am in front of the pc.im feelin much better compared to yesterday.i had fever n the runnin nose was drivin me insane.went to the doc last nite and i still couldnt sleep after that due to the difficulty of breathin.bleh.

sara sent me a message tellin me how excited she was since she has got a job and she'll start workin next week i think.some of my friends are also busy with their driving lessons and everythin.cool.as for me im not plannin to get my license just yet.i dun need it at the moment but i might change my mind later on.

i gotta start packin my stuff now since i'll be leavin in about 2 more hours to phuket.i'd rather go to bangkok.nevermind,i think i'll manage to find somethin interestin in phuket tomorrow.alrite peeps,chowsin.

listenin to:forget me not-collaboration of tears and happiness

i see hope in your eyes..

2003-12-02T05:03:00.000+08:00

darn..i've been livin a lonely life and i've been denyin it for as long as i can remember.its funny how things change in just a couple of months.i used to be surrounded by lotsa people that i call friends.i used to spend a lot of time with the precious ones without havin to worry about anythin under the sun. i owe them a lot in a way actually.i know things will never be the same again but at least..i do hope things will change for better.im totally sick of having to live this way all by myself.i need a change.i need a whole lotta new life.i need a new hope.i need some excitement.i need something to inspire me all over again.another part of me is slowly dyin.i feel it.i need the strength to continue this never endin journey of mine.i still have a long way to go.i dont want to stop here having to wait for the moment to be buried six feet under.not yet.i couldnt be bothered anymore about the words behind my back and the lies,the stares and the glares.im extremely tired and exhausted of having stupid thoughts all the time.im all fucked up.i need faith.i need you.

listenin to:luscious jackson-water your garden

makin my way to you.

2003-11-30T16:07:00.000+08:00

it seems like my life has turned slightly better day by day.i dun know how long its gonna last.im scared.i dun think it'll last long since i do not believe in happy endings for quite some time already.my life isnt as excitin as how it used to be.everythin turns shitty at the end of the day and trust me..thats the worst feelin ever.i wish i could run far,far away from here.i might come back one day or i might not.lately i've been movin around to places on my own not havin anybody to talk to or joke around with and im glad..im finally used to this already.i did not choose to be this way but boy do i have a choice?sometimes the images of me lyin on the floor with a knife in my right hand keep repeatin in my mind.i wonder if thats how im gonna die later on.neway if u happen to know bout my death..do come to my funeral and visit me for one last time with a forgivin heart and a bouquet of white daisies.thats more than enuff i suppose.heh.

..now is this the beginnin or the endin of it?

listenin to:muse-muscle museum

when she gets homocidal..

2003-11-29T20:57:00.000+08:00

im havin sore throat once again.ugghh!dis is not fun at all.i woke up at 1 today n i really think i need mooore sleep.i've been yawnin like mad since an hour ago.i spent the whole afternoon wanderin around town today.met shabir n fren when i reached komtar.said hi n off i go.i got meself a book called Nice by Jen Sacks for 4 farkin bucks only!i suppose it isnt a good book but wat the hell its damn cheap so why not.heh.owh did i mention dat the art work on the cover is appealin?yups.besides that i managed to get meself Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Fever to Tell.yay.karen o rocks!

im tired.gonna sleep.chowsin.

listenin to:misfits-last caress

middle of nowhere..

2003-11-29T03:06:00.000+08:00

im finally home.bliss.raya was ok just like always.2nd day of eid i met nina.thank god she was around..i hate those kids!bleh.neways nina's one hella cool cousie!then went to her house n lepak for a while.borrowed this book from her.its called fables of dawn-selected poems by a local painter-poet,latiff mohidin.nice,nice.

my trip to phuket is postponed to erm..3rd dec if im not mistaken.i dun even know why its postponed to next week.doesnt really matter neway.elotz is currently in pnang.yay.yea the whole family came over just now.it was fun.

i'd like to thank y'all for all the raya wishes includin karen,lav,nic,eugene,adrian,tsien,firdaus,wei foong,sookie,meikey n everybody else.sorry i didnt get to reply to all of u.heh.

listenin to:billy talent-when i was a little girl

2003-11-23T02:24:00.000+08:00

farah sent me dis.thanx farah.u rock my medula oblongata:)

so many things,so little time.

2003-11-23T02:18:00.000+08:00

theres nothin much u can do when u're broke isnt it?yea im officially broke at the moment.so there was nothin much i could do although i was out for the whole day at gurney plaza besides sittin at one corner observin people.its been ages since i last did dat.it was fun actually.heh.talkin bout no life.

i'll be leavin tomoro mornin.so i wont be bloggin for a few days.neway..i'd like to wish everybody Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.Maaf zahir batin.i need to start packin now.see y'all next week.

..a little misconception.

2003-11-22T00:45:00.000+08:00

it's sara's birthday today.been tryin to call her since i reached home but the line's been busy.hmm.

oh yea i got a new haircut today.its much shorter n it looks kinda weird but i like it a lot.denise has been doin a great job so far.two thumbs up for her.heh.

i watched social history of mosh pit on mtv just now.now dats a good one.the rape cases occured in mosh pits is sumthin huge to worry about.*sigh*

bleh.i dun feel like bloggin tonite.i think im gonna watch the new dvd i got for meself today,24 hour party people.g'nite.

listenin to:pj harvey-this mess we're in

independence?freedom?whatever they call it.heh.

2003-11-21T05:13:00.000+08:00

what a relief.im finally done with the papers.im done with wakin up early for skool.im done with long assembly hour on mondays.im done with bein chased by the teachers for not passin up the work given.im done with the senior assistant callin my house askin me to go to skool.im done with stayin up late to solve 1001 of add maths questions.im done with havin to deal with teacher's ass-kissers[the red skirts!!bleh.]im done with thinkin of excuses for not goin to skool and..finally done with exhaustin tuition classes.heh.

one fine day i know im gonna find myself reminiscin about the old memories back in my skool days and missin my friends horribbly but im sure i wont be missin that skool,the skool that i went to,here in georgetown.nah dun bother askin.heh.

i gotta clean up my room soon.its in a mess.a terrible mess.

oh yea..my mum is bitchin bout the stupid phonebill at 5 fuckin a.m!she should be thankful that her so-called-strange daughter is not obsessed over anybody's son at the moment!

listenin to:the Donnas-school's out [ahah,im so in the mood.]

..theres no room for another romance.

2003-11-18T23:14:00.000+08:00

im definitely gonna crash my bed in a little while.fuck im tired.we had physics today.i still couldnt manage to answer all the 3 papers properly.hmmph.i tot the 1 hour sleep i had at 6a.m. would at least help a little.heh.dat was not the first time actually.i guess people will never learn huh.haha.

1 more paper to go.damn.how time flies so fast eh?[yea rite!]

3 days after raya i'll be goin to phuket for a couple of days.not really lookin forward to it since i dun fancy beaches dat much.after phuket i'll be back home for a day or two.then im gonna hit kl n bug those kl-ians.ahah.after kl then most probably gonna be on a trip to malacca with my ex-skoolmates,the sexaay st. marians.it'd be so fun.im also plannin to lepak in singapore for a few days after the malacca trip but not too sure bout dat.i dun know where im gonna get a shitload of money for all these travellin expenses n everythin.plus..i haf a bunch of stuff to get for meself in my new,updated wishlist.heh.

listenin to:saosin-seven years

so what is a real bitch?

2003-11-17T15:02:00.000+08:00

A woman who loves herself for what and who she is.
A woman who fights back.
A woman who knows that her emotions are valid.
A woman who thinks "vagina" is beautiful and powerful.
A woman who encourages in the face of insecurity.
A woman who welcomes change.
A woman who isn't afriad to tell someone she is wrong.
A woman who knows that a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
A woman who isn't afraid to cry. or laugh. or scream.
A woman who knows that we are all sisters in revolution.
A woman who knows that weak etc. don't define who she is
A woman who uses her mind and voice to fight, not fists.
A woman who knows that love for women isn't hate for men.
A woman who knows that bitch is beautiful.

listenin to:jack off jill-lollirot

2003-11-16T23:05:00.000+08:00

le tigre

Which Indie Girl Band Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

will this last longer?

2003-11-16T00:31:00.000+08:00

hull-o peeps.once again..moved to another page and this time i chose blogspot.i started bloggin last year at pitas.it lasted for quite some time and finally last month i moved to xanga and now im here.i like it here because it seems quiet and a bit laid back compared to xanga.heh.besides xanga seems to have tons of problems here and there 24/7.hmm.lets just hope this will last much longer.

theres still lotsa stuff to be added to this new page.soon,when i have the time.startin end of this week perhaps.my last paper is chemistry on the 20th.yay.

listenin to:hole-doll parts